Leadership in the Family

Moderated by the same leader of the previous session, this session concluded the course on "Biblical Principles for Leading with Love".  As the course concluded, the question of "How can these past lessons on leadership be applied in the context of a family?" was asked.

As in all other areas of life, there will be a leader in the context of a family.  Based on the biblical principles on headship, this leader in the family should be the husband and he is to be assisted by a loving, gentle and submissive wife with the wisdom that the Lord God gives.

The following verses summarise what God's perfect plan for the family is...

Ephesians 5 : 25 (NIV)
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.

Ephesians 5 : 22 - 24 (NIV)
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Saviour.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 6 : 1 - 3 (NIV)
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  "Honour your father and mother" - which is the first commandment with a promise - "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."

It was noted, however, that in most families nowadays, the leadership has been given over to the wife or the children.  It is said, "The husband makes the general decisions while the wife makes the major decisions." (note: in an army organisation, the general is of a higher rank than the major).  Is this a good thing?

A look at the two well-known examples will give some answers to this question

• Adam and Eve - Adam did not stand up to his wife's foolishness in taking the fruit that God had commanded them not to take (Genesis 3 : 6).  The result?  Mankind was separated from God.
• Abraham and Sarah - instead of leading his family in waiting patiently for God's promise of a son, for him and Sarah, to be fulfilled, Abraham heeded Sarah's voice (Gen 16 : 2).  The result?  Enmity between the house of Ishmael and the house of Isaac, even until today.

So, how should a husband lead?  How can the wife submit, especially when the husband does not seem to be leading?  More questions need to be asked before the answers can be found.

One such question is "Who is the central figure of one's life?".  For the Swallow and her coursemates, it would be the Lord Jesus Christ.  Their decision to lead or to submit, depending on whether they are the husband or the wife, would be based on the Word of God, and by following the perfect example of the Lord Jesus Christ, who lead His followers with love, but also submitted Himself to His Father's authority as He had said in Luke 22 : 42 (NKJV), "Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done."

"The degree of our spiritual ability in Christ-likeness is measured by God as to how we respond to the leading of God in every aspect in life in comparison to how Christ, being perfect, would respond, if He was to act in our place."

1 John 2 : 6 (NIV)
Whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did.

The next question to ask is "How does one view God?".  If one views God as a God of fear, then he will likely instill fear in his followers, thus becoming an authoritative leader.  If one views God as a God of love, more often than not he will show love towards his followers at the expense of discipline, thus becoming a permissive leader.

However, based on the Word of God, the Lord God is both a God of fear and a God of love.  His authority is a perfect blend of fear (law, discipline) and love.  So the one who chooses to follow the Lord God must find a balance between the two, neither an authoritative nor a permissive leader.

"The degree that we respond to God to learn and implement His way and truth depends upon our answer."

Coming back to the family, so how should the husband lead? How can the wife submit, especially when the husband does not seem to be leading?  Looking at 1Peter 3 : 7 (NKJV), "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honour to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.", the following traits of Godly leadership in the family can be seen

• submissive leadership ("likewise") - this is the sacrificial kind of love which is also mentioned in Ephesians 5 : 25.  It is also called servant leadership.
• committed companionship ("dwell with them") - it is a committed relationship ie no divorce, and a companionship until "death do us part".  Also, this husband and wife relationship must be above any other relationship save their individual relationship with God.  Nothing should come between them.  Not children.  Not career.  Not hobbies.
• intelligent leadership ("with understanding") - to have knowledge of one's wife (needs, desires, strengths, weaknesses) and knowledge based on God's word (wives as the weaker vessel).
• honouring love ("giving honour to the wife") - this goes hand in hand with a submissive / servant leadership.
• unbroken fellowship ("that your prayers may not be hindered") - when one is obeying God as a leader, his spiritual leadership and his relationship with God will not be affected.

The Swallow is reminded that her mate's role as a leader in the family is not easy.  Neither is it enviable.  He has to bear the consequences of the decisions made within the family, whether wise or foolish decisions.  It is certainly not a role that the Swallow is anxious to take over.

However, being a submissive wife is not a role that the Swallow finds easy to take either.  Many a times, when her mate made certain decisions which the Swallow was not comfortable with, her natural reaction was to override her mate's decision there and then.  Only with the Lord God's help could she bite her tongue, go to Him in prayer, seek His wisdom, then discuss the decision with her mate in a calm and non-confrontational manner.

No, it is not an easy task, whether as a submissive-wife-helper or as a loving-husband-leader.  It is only by a daily dependence on the Lord God - on His grace, mercies, strength, wisdom, and whatever else that is needful and which He alone can provide - that the Swallow and her mate can press on to fulfill their roles and responsibilities in the family.