Understanding Genuine Love in Marriage

In the second session of "Better Homes & Marriages with the 5 Love Languages", this topic and that of "Overcoming Selfishness in the Marriage Relationship" were looked into.

What is genuine love?  What does the husband mean when he says, "I love my wife"?  What does the wife mean when she says, " I love my husband"?  What is love?  Can one fall in and out of love?  What happens when one does not love anymore?

In his first video session of the Five Love Languages titled "Learning to Speak Love", Gary Chapman says, "Love is the most important word in the English language", but he also says, "Love is the most confusing word in the English language".   How?  "I love hotdogs", "I love my mother".  Same word but there should be a difference.

The Greek language uses several words to express the differences

• Eros - physical love
• Phileo - brotherly love
• Agape - sacrificial / self-giving love

1 Corinthians 13 is the well-known passage of love for believers in Christ.  It describes what love is and what love is not.  It describes what sacrificial and self-giving love is.  It describes the agape love.

In the Word of God, the word 'love' is most often used as a verb, meaning it is something to be done, rather than something to be felt.  Loving one's enemies (see Matthew 5 :44) is not based on feelings.  The command is addressed to the will of man, not to his emotions.  The Lord Jesus Christ summed up the Ten Commandments into just two - to love the Lord God, and to love others.  There is no 'to love self'.

Ephesians 5 : 25 (NKJV)
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.

Ephesians 5 : 24 (NKJV)
Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5 : 33 (NKJV)
Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Husbands may not feel like loving their wives.  Wives may not feel like submitting to her husband, or they may not feel like respecting their husbands.

It is said that men and women have different interpretation of love in marriage, most likely because of differences in their basic nature or disposition.  Usually, husbands recognize love as "cooking meals they like, keeping an orderly house, maintaining a neat appearance, refraining from arguments / nagging, and cooperation".  For the wives, they see love as being shown affection (not only physically), being appreciated, not being taken for granted or being seen as someone useful around the house.

Does the wife have a tendency to criticize or belittle her husband, especially before others?  Does she see him simply as someone who 'brings home the bacon' or helps around the house.  Does the husband have a tendency to be overly critical, harsh or indifferent?  Does he often ignore the wife unless he wants something in return?

More often than not, husbands want their wives' encouragement and support.  Wives want to be cherished by their husbands.  They also long for their husbands to talk more with them, especially about personal things.

Some checkpoints the Swallow and her coursemates were asked to consider

• Is your love primarily directed to benefit the other person in a constructive way or is it selfish, just to benefit yourself?
• Does your love clearly show evidence of personal sacrifice (not just about money)?
• Are you committed to work daily at improving the expression of love toward your spouse or is it 'NATO' (no action, talk only)?
• Are you willing to forgive your spouse for the wrong he / she may have done towards you ie put aside the rehashing of things that cannot be undone now?

To love one another in marriage, in the agape way, can only be done with God's power.  It is He who enables those who yield themselves to His will and who want to please Him.  It is to know the sacrificial love of the Lord Jesus Christ for us and to be motivated by this same love.  Otherwise, it may be in vain.

Around the Campfire

In the Swallow's mid-teen years, she was given the opportunity to go camping with a few of her Sunday School teachers and friends.  It was her first and most memorable campfire through the years.

It was a great delight when her parents finally gave their approval for her to go for the camping as it would be held over several days on the beach.  Thoughts of staying up late into the night under a moonlit sky with twinkling stars glowing up above, whispering stories, ghostly or otherwise, with her friends, roasting chestnuts on an open fire (okay, okay, there were no chestnuts, just an open fire)...it was a dream come true!

When she was finally on the beach, reality struck.  True, there was the open fire and the moonlit sky with its starry hosts but there was also the strong afternoon sun beating down upon her back, giving no relief unless she was under the trees.  There were times when she had sat around the campfire and shared laughter and stories with her friends, but there were also times when she had to huddle in the tent when heavy rains fell.  Yes, the Swallow did complain about the hot sun.  Yes, she did mutter about the heavy rains when she was sitting in the stuffy tent with nothing else to do except listen to the rain pitter-patter-ing against the external walls of the tent.

However, when she looks back on her memories, it is with a smile on her face.  For she remembers valiantly offering to stay up late for guard duty only to find herself falling asleep instead.  She remembers seeing the astonishment on her friends' faces (and hers - so her friends said) when they realised that there was also sand in their food, with compliments from the wind and the beach.  She remembers the horror they initially felt when they had to scrub the pots they had used with the sand from the beach.  She remembers the campfire stories and the secrets they had whispered to each other with the promise of silence.  She remembers the games they had played on the beach and in the sea.

If she is able to turn back the clock and is given the chance to make a fresh decision with the knowledge she now has, the Swallow will choose to go through the campfire experience again (although with thankfulness instead of complaints) because life is made up of dreams and the living of such dreams.  Life is when dreams and reality collide, and the adventure begins.

The Young Ones

Until the young ones leave the nest, the Swallow and her mate have to be on stand-by 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Translated, it means a demanding and challenging task. Yet the Swallow and her mate would testify that it is also a rewarding task. The reward comes when they see their young ones go on to maturity and grow to love the Lord God.

Hebrews 6 : 1 (NIV)
...let us go on to maturity...

As mentioned in the Swallow's blog "Passing the Baton", raising her young ones is a fine balance between love and fear of authority.  When her young ones question her and her mate's decisions, it is important that the young ones understand that though their parents will listen to their opinions, ultimately the decision will be made by their parents.

Such was the case when it came to choosing a pet.  The young ones have, on numerous occasions, raised their need for a pet or two.  However, their ideas of having a pet is because "they are so cute"...  Their parents have other ideas..."pets = maintenance = work".  Also, fur-allergy runs in the family.  As a compromise,  the parents put up their criteria for pets

• non-furry creatures
• minimal attention required
• low or minimal maintenance

How glad the parents were when their young ones understood their reasons for disallowing most of the pet choices, but finally saying yes to one of them.

The choice agreeable on both sides?  Fish!

Passing the Baton

As any hands-on parent will be quick to admit, it is not an easy road when it comes to raising children.  When he is born, the child looks so innocent and adorable, and he is fully dependent on his parents.  At that point in the parents' lives, it is difficult to imagine that this same child will change over the years to become more and more independent.  His sinful behaviour will be more and more pronounced, and if not nipped in the bud, will bring despair and heartbreak to the parents.

During the first year, there are so many milestones that he will reach.  For the parents who are heavily involved in the bringing-up of the child, it is a joy when they see him grow.  Each milestone crossed is a celebration of life.  And yet, when they see the child test the boundaries given to him, it is also a time of discipline and this may be a time of contention and sorrow.

Yes, there is a balance to parenting.  On one side of the balance is love.  The child must be loved and he must feel loved.  On the other side is the fear of authority.  This fear is not the fear that will drive the child away from abusive parents but fear that makes the child ultimately realise that there is a higher authority than his parents - One who loves him yet demands obedience from him.

Parenting is also a process of passing the baton i.e. it is the passing of good values from generations to generations.  For the Swallow and her mate, it is the passing of Christian values and beliefs to her young ones.  It means a lifetime of living for Christ and not for oneself.

Deuteronomy 6 : 7 (NKJV)
You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.

From the verse, the Swallow acknowledges that it is a 24/7 task to be a parent.  How will she and her mate balance between love and discipline (fear of authority)?  To love without discipline is to be permissive.  To discipline without love is to be authoritative.  Neither scenario will help their young ones.  Thus, it is with gratefulness to her Lord that He has promised to be with them, to be their Guide, to provide them with all that is necessary to handle the task of bringing up their young ones.

2 Corinthians 12 : 9 (NKJV)
And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Sesame Chicken

At a recent barbecue with her family and friends, the Swallow mixed hoisin sauce and lemon juice together, threw in some toasted sesame seeds and poured the mixture over some chicken wings.  After marinating the wings overnight, the tangy taste of lemon was a good compliment for the sweeter hoisin sauce.

SESAME CHICKEN (serves 4)

Sesame Chicken

Ingredients

1 kg chicken mid-joint wings
3 tbsp hoisin sauce
juice of 1 small lemon, about 2 tbsp
2 tsp white sesame seeds, toasted

Garnish - 1 spring onion, chopped (optional) and a sprinkle of toasted sesame seeds

Method

1. Wash and rinse chicken wings.  Drain water away.  Keep the chicken wings almost dry.
2. Combine the hoisin sauce and lemon juice together in a Ziploc bag.  Add the sesame seeds into the sauce mixture. Mix well.
3. Add the chicken wings. Seal the bag and massage the sauce onto the chicken. Place the bag of marinated chicken in the refrigerator overnight or for at least 3 hours, turning the bag over occasionally.
4. Remove the bag of chicken from the refrigerator and allow it to come to room temperature before grilling starts.
5. Place a metal rack in a deep baking pan. Place some water to the baking pan (level of water should cover the base of the baking pan but not touch the metal rack). Place the pan into the oven and preheat the oven (baking function) to 240 degrees Celsius. The oven is ready when bubbles start to form on the water.
6. Place the marinated chicken on the metal rack in a single layer. Set the marinade aside for basting and sauce. Bake the chicken for 10 minutes.
7. Remove the chicken from the oven. Baste the pieces with the marinade, turn them over, baste them again and return them to the oven for another 10 minutes of baking.

   

   The chicken is ready!

8. Change the function from baking to grilling, and grill for another 5 minutes. Remove from the oven, plate and garnish with chopped spring onion and toasted sesame seeds. Allow the meat to rest for about 5-10 minutes.
9. Prepare the sauce (optional) by pouring the marinade and any leftover juices from the baking pan into a saucepan. Bring to a boil and allow to boil down to desired consistency. A mixture of cornflour and water (ratio 1:1) may be added to bring a shine to the sauce. Serve the sauce with the chicken.

Notes for BBQ

Double or triple the recipe or as needed. When grilling over a barbecue pit, ensure the charcoal has become white-ashed before cooking. Cook for about 20-30 minutes, depending on the size of the wings, basting them occasionally with the marinade. Test whether it is fully cooked by poking a bamboo skewer through. Juice should run clear. If possible (may be difficult when it's a BBQ!), allow the meat to rest for a few minutes before consumption. 

Young at Heart

On Sunday, the Swallow's family joined their friends for a time of fellowship over games and food. Beginning with lunch at the hawker centre near their local church and followed by games held at a tertiary school's sports hall, the fellowship time then ended with dinner at one of the friend's home.

It was play time for everyone who came - young ones and young-at-heart ones.  There were games of badminton and table tennis at the sports hall.  The older group of young ones battled the young-at-heart ones, matching their youth and vitality against experience and skill, although it was noted that some of the young ones had experience and skill in their clutches too.  One of the friends also took the trouble to entertain the very young ones, who were not able to join these games, with balloon sculptures.

Dinner was in the form of a barbecue.  There was enough food to feed the whole lot of friends.  They took turns to man the grill and to watch the young ones.  Satay (chicken and mutton), Otah (spicy and non-spicy), marinated chicken mid-joint wings (Sesame Chicken, Teriyaki Chicken and Spicy Mediterranean Chicken), and Banana and Bacon Rolls were some of the food items grilled over the coals.  There were also fried bee hoon, a mushroom dish, salad, drinks and ice-cream to complete the meal.

Replete after a satisfying meal, the young-at-heart ones played catch-up with each other while the older group of young ones played board games and made-up games, and the very young ones started their own 'train' with the unused chairs.

The Swallow's family enjoyed themselves very much.  In busy Singapore, it is a necessity to set aside time for such occasions of fellowship - to build and strengthen existing bonds of friendship as well as to make new bonds of friendships.  Moreso as one gets older.  During the schooling years, friends were easily made.  Maintaining the friendships was also simpler as one gets to see one's friends constantly.  However, when one leaves the schooling years behind, more effort has to be put in for friendships to last.

The Swallow is thankful to the Lord that she and her mate have these friendships with those who are from the same household of faith, having the same ideals, values and goals, to encourage them in the Christian walk.

Going by the feedback from their friends, everyone else had a good time.  However, the young-at-heart ones were reminded this morning that they were indeed only young at heart - their muscles were quick to protest and their bodies seconded the fact that they were no longer young!

Glutinous Rice

Glutinous Rice is a dish much enjoyed by the Swallow and her mate.  It is made from glutinous rice, fried with several other ingredients then steamed until the rice becomes soft and sticky.  When the Swallow's young ones were introduced to the dish, they enjoyed it too.  It became a regular staple for one of the young ones whenever the family patronized a neighbourhood shop which sold this dish.

After sampling some other Glutinous Rice dishes by her mother and her friends, the Swallow decided to be adventurous and cook this dish from scratch.  The adventure turned out better than expected although one of the young ones was quick to comment that she liked the rice to be more sticky. With her comment in mind, the Swallow experimented and finally, something that met her young one's criterion.

GLUTINOUS RICE (serves 3 - 4)

Glutinous Rice

Ingredients

300 g glutinous rice
6 pieces dried black mushrooms
1 tbsp dried shrimps
4 pieces Chinese sausages (3-inches long)

3 cloves garlic
2 shallots
1 tbsp oil
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp light soya sauce
1/2 tsp dark soya sauce
1/2 tsp sugar
1 tsp Chinese wine
2 cups of water
Garnish
2 stalks spring onions, chopped
Fried peanuts
Fried shallots
2 red chillies, chopped

Method

1. Soak glutinous rice overnight or for at least 10 hours.  Drain the rice and set it aside.
2. Wash and rinse black mushrooms.  Soak the mushrooms until they are soft.  Drain and set aside the water.  Slice the mushrooms.
3. Wash and rinse the dried shrimps.  Soak the shrimps until they are soft.  Drain and set aside the water.
4. Remove the outer layer from the Chinese sausages.  Cut the sausages into cubes.
5. Chop the garlic and shallots.
6. Heat the oil in a wok over medium heat.  Add chopped garlic and chopped shallots.  Fry until aromatic, about 30 seconds.
7. Add the shrimps and fry for 1 minute.

   

   Clockwise from top: Glutinous rice,
   chopped shallots, chopped garlic,
   dried shrimps, cubed Chinese sausages
   & sliced mushrooms

8. Add the mushrooms and fry for 1 minute.
9. Add the Chinese sausages and fry for 1 minute.
10. Add the glutinous rice and fry for 5 minutes.
11. Add the seasonings until all the ingredients are well mixed.
12. Add the water and mix well.
13. Transfer the rice mixture into a steaming dish (an aluminium 8-inch round baking tray with a 2 1/2-inch depth works well). 
14. Place the dish on a steamer rack, over briskly boiling water, and steam over high heat for 30 minutes.
15. Allow the rice to be kept warm if not eaten immediately.
16. Garnish with chopped spring onions, fried peanuts, fried shallots and chopped red chillies before serving.
17. Serve with Garlic Chilli sauce on the side.

Notes

• The amount of water used to cover the rice mixture will determine the texture of the rice. Ensure water covers the rice but the rice is not swimming in it. More water can be added after the steaming time but it cannot be removed. The rice should be sticky and chewy but not lumpy.
• When steaming time is over, check the texture. If a softer texture is preferred, add more water (about 2-3 tbsp) and continue steaming for another 10 minutes.
• The steaming water must be boiling briskly to ensure a steady steam.  Add more boiling water if necessary.