Understanding Genuine Love in Marriage

In the second session of "Better Homes & Marriages with the 5 Love Languages", this topic and that of "Overcoming Selfishness in the Marriage Relationship" were looked into.

What is genuine love?  What does the husband mean when he says, "I love my wife"?  What does the wife mean when she says, " I love my husband"?  What is love?  Can one fall in and out of love?  What happens when one does not love anymore?

In his first video session of the Five Love Languages titled "Learning to Speak Love", Gary Chapman says, "Love is the most important word in the English language", but he also says, "Love is the most confusing word in the English language".   How?  "I love hotdogs", "I love my mother".  Same word but there should be a difference.

The Greek language uses several words to express the differences

• Eros - physical love
• Phileo - brotherly love
• Agape - sacrificial / self-giving love

1 Corinthians 13 is the well-known passage of love for believers in Christ.  It describes what love is and what love is not.  It describes what sacrificial and self-giving love is.  It describes the agape love.

In the Word of God, the word 'love' is most often used as a verb, meaning it is something to be done, rather than something to be felt.  Loving one's enemies (see Matthew 5 :44) is not based on feelings.  The command is addressed to the will of man, not to his emotions.  The Lord Jesus Christ summed up the Ten Commandments into just two - to love the Lord God, and to love others.  There is no 'to love self'.

Ephesians 5 : 25 (NKJV)
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.

Ephesians 5 : 24 (NKJV)
Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5 : 33 (NKJV)
Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Husbands may not feel like loving their wives.  Wives may not feel like submitting to her husband, or they may not feel like respecting their husbands.

It is said that men and women have different interpretation of love in marriage, most likely because of differences in their basic nature or disposition.  Usually, husbands recognize love as "cooking meals they like, keeping an orderly house, maintaining a neat appearance, refraining from arguments / nagging, and cooperation".  For the wives, they see love as being shown affection (not only physically), being appreciated, not being taken for granted or being seen as someone useful around the house.

Does the wife have a tendency to criticize or belittle her husband, especially before others?  Does she see him simply as someone who 'brings home the bacon' or helps around the house.  Does the husband have a tendency to be overly critical, harsh or indifferent?  Does he often ignore the wife unless he wants something in return?

More often than not, husbands want their wives' encouragement and support.  Wives want to be cherished by their husbands.  They also long for their husbands to talk more with them, especially about personal things.

Some checkpoints the Swallow and her coursemates were asked to consider

• Is your love primarily directed to benefit the other person in a constructive way or is it selfish, just to benefit yourself?
• Does your love clearly show evidence of personal sacrifice (not just about money)?
• Are you committed to work daily at improving the expression of love toward your spouse or is it 'NATO' (no action, talk only)?
• Are you willing to forgive your spouse for the wrong he / she may have done towards you ie put aside the rehashing of things that cannot be undone now?

To love one another in marriage, in the agape way, can only be done with God's power.  It is He who enables those who yield themselves to His will and who want to please Him.  It is to know the sacrificial love of the Lord Jesus Christ for us and to be motivated by this same love.  Otherwise, it may be in vain.