Handicap

It happened again...

Everyone else had had their turn to share something, anything, that had touched them when they went through their study on the book of Isaiah.  It was to be the Swallow's turn next.  She opened her mouth but the words stucked in her throat.  She tried again but her voice started to wobble.  She tried again.  It did not get any better.  Either each word came out with a choke or her voice broke.

Talking had not been a problem when the Swallow was in primary school.  In fact, several of her teachers had noted in her school report book that she was talkative.  In her secondary school days, if the teachers had not arrived for lessons, she would be found debating with her friends.  She had thrived in her first job in the customer service line as she enjoyed the interaction with customers, bosses and colleagues.  But these were personal encounters with close friends, or one-to-one encounters with newly-met people.  When put in the spotlight, however, there was that occasional slip here and there which gradually activated her retreat mode.

Then she became a stay-at-home-mom.

After spending so many years where most of her conversations were with her young ones, she yearned for more conversations with adults.  By then, however, holding a one-to-one conversation with any adult, other than family or friends in the inner circle, became even more of a mental challenge.  With so much effort needed, it was easier to let others do the talking.  Serving in the Sunday School ministry didn't help either as interactions with other teachers were few and far in between, and again it was easier to be a listener, asking a question here and there to keep the conversation going.

Going to BSF changed the status quo.  At each fellowship session, members were encouraged to open up and share.  Initially, she had looked forward to these sharing sessions as she thought, "More conversations with adults.", but at the first fellowship session, when she had to take her turn to share her thoughts, she realised that her difficulties in speaking out had not diminished.

Half a year back, she was asked to share some tips about teaching young children to some members of her local church.  Having experienced the nerve-shaking situations during the BSF fellowship sessions, she was hesitant to do so.  However, after seeking the Lord in prayer for His guidance, wisdom, and equipping, she heeded the call.  The Lord's power and control over all things were clearly seen as the session went smoothly.  Another call up at a Sunday School event had also gone smoothly, based on her trust and confidence in her Lord.

So at a fellowship session yesterday, she was willing to share if she was called upon to do so.  Due to the high number of attendees and the short time set aside for sharing, the Swallow thought she would be spared this time from sharing aloud.  Although there were many lessons she had learnt at the Lord's feet, she would have preferred to let her fingers do the talking.  Alas, it was not to be.  The group size had shrunk by then as several members had had to leave earlier.  Since it was a smaller group of people and most of them were actually quite well known to her, with a little prayer in her heart for the Lord's help, she opened her mouth to speak...and that's when it happened again.

Was there an inconsistency?  Why didn't her Lord answer her prayer this time, giving her the power again to overcome her fear of public speaking?  Why was she faced with her handicap when glorifying the Lord was what she had hoped to do with her sharing?

Well, let it be said here that in no way was the Lord not in control.  He had allowed the Swallow to say that her study on the book of Isaiah had helped her during her trial with her near relative, as many verses had reminded her of the Lord God's faithfulness to His chosen people even when they were not doing the right thing.  Her breaking voice did keep her from any chance of saying unwise words, and she managed to choke out "God is faithful, God is faithful" before her throat closed up.

Psalm 19 : 14 (NKJV)
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer.