One Flesh or Two Individuals?

The first part of the first session of "Better Homes & Marriages with the 5 Love Languages" touched on the issue of being 'one flesh'.  What does this mean?  What does the Word of God say about this?  Do the two individuals that come together in marriage lose their identity?

The course's moderator started the session going with this question "What comes to mind when the word 'family' is mentioned?".  Answers like unity, love, support, belonging, were thrown back.  Yes, a family encompasses all these, and a family is needed for survival.  That was the Lord God's idea of a family.

Genesis 2 : 18 (NKJV)
And the Lord God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him."

Genesis 2 : 24 (NKJV)
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

These two verses highlight the Lord God's intention for a marriage.  The Lord God instituted marriage to bring two individuals, a man and a woman, together to become one flesh that when others look at this relationship, they see a unit, a team, and a partnership.  These two individuals are the basis of a family.  It means even when there are no children, a family has been formed when a man and a woman come together in marriage.

However, it is so sad that nowadays, it seems to be 'normal' for a marriage to break down. The marriage is so easily given up. Almost everyday, one can read or hear about celebrities whose marriages are on the rocks. The usually-given reason is incomparable differences.  Different views on children's upbringing, relationship with parents or in-laws, and money problems may fall under this reason.  What has happened to God's intention for a marriage? What is the real cause for marriage breakdowns?

The real cause?  The Lord God has been left out of the marriage.

For a marriage to be truly successful in all dimensions, the Lord God is an essential part of the marriage. When the first priority is right, all other priorities will fall into place.

Priority is explained in the Collins English Dictionary as "most important thing that must be dealt with first" or "right to be or go before others".

In life, there are many priorities. For the baby, his priority is his mother and food (not necessarily in that order). As he grows physically, his priorities will increase to include his father, siblings and toys. Later on, there will be extended families, school and friends, then career, etc...

In a marriage, what should the husband's / wife's priorites be? The Word of God has these answers

• God and His Kingdom should be first - Matthew 6 : 33 (NKJV), "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."
• The eternal should take precedence over the temporal - 2 Corinthians 4 : 18 (NKJV), "While we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."
• The spiritual should take precedence over the physical - Matthew 6 : 19 - 20 (NKJV), "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, whereoth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal."
• People should take precedence over things - Mark 8 : 36 - 37 (NKJV), "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?"

In Genesis 2 : 24, the act of leaving means to be independent of parents - geographically, emotionally, financially.  The cleaving or joining with his wife brings across a couple who is holding fast or clinging to each other.  The couple is inseparably joined together, as if they are glued or welded together, in a strong foundation that will bring them through calm waters as well as troubled waters.  'One flesh' is the mystery of marriage. It is a process of the husband completing his wife, and the wife completing her husband - physically, psychologically, emotionally, financially.

The relationship between husband and wife is to be second only to their relationship with the Lord God.  It has top priority over everything else.  As such, for one who wants to obey the Lord God, his priorities would be

1. God
2. husband / wife
3. other relationships

So where is the children's, parents', in-laws', career's, hobbies' and church ministry's place in the order of priorities?  They, based on the Word of God, would fall under 'other relationships'.  One of the Swallow's coursemates asked the question "How do we rank the priority of all those that fall under the 'other relationships' then?".  An apt question, and the answer to this question differs for everyone.  Each must seek wisdom from the Lord God to find his own answer.

In a nutshell, when one's relationship with the Lord God is right, the marriage relationship will be strong. When the husband's relationship with the Lord God is right, he will lead his family well, and love his wife in spite of her weaknesses. When the wife's relationship with the Lord God is right, she will be a comparable helper to her husband, and able to submit to his authority even when she disagrees with him.

Does one want his marriage to be a blessing in the way that the Lord God meant it to be? Does one want to change his currently-a-burden-of-a-marriage to be a marriage that is "made-in-heaven"? Then he will have to look at what his priorities are...

Better Homes & Marriages with the 5 Love Languages

A couple, with grey hair and wrinkle-lined faces, walks with their hands linked together, supporting each other as they take slow steps along the path.  Occasionally, one of them makes a remark and it is returned with a loving glance and a touch of a smile.  Back at their home, they converse together on topics close to their heart.  At each moment, one can witness the love, comfort, companionship and joy that they share together.

Just a dream?  A fairy tale?  Something one may watch in a movie?  In a world that is filled with so much news of celebrity couples going through a divorce or a time of separation, it would seem that the above scenario is just that - a make-believe scenario.  Yet, with trust in her Lord God, this is the future that the Swallow hopes to realise, if the Lord God so blesses her and her mate with a long life together.

With this hope for the future, the Swallow is willing to learn - from the Word of God, from others or from books written by like-minded authors.  Videos, when useful and available, is also a welcomed resource.  So it was a delight for the Swallow when she heard that her mate had enrolled them, early this month, in a course called "Better Homes & Marriages with the 5 Love Languages", organised by their local church.

The condensed course, of eight sessions, has two parts for each session.  The first part would be spent discussing some of the views raised by Jean Gibson (aka O J Gibson) in his book "Better Homes and Marriages" while the second part would be spent viewing a series of video clips from Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages".

Topics covered under "Better Homes and Marriages" are

• One flesh or two individuals?
• Understanding genuine love in marriage
• Overcoming selfishness in the marriage relationship
• Improving communication in marriage
• Three principles for getting along
• Reducing arguments and misunderstandings
• Resolving problems and frustrations
• Understanding areas of sexual differences
• Understanding the husband's biblical role
• Understanding the wife's biblical role
• Developing a spiritual life together
• Improving social time together
• Planning to grow in your marriage

Topics covered under "The Five Love Languages" are

• Learning to speak love languages
• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Receiving gifts
• Acts of service
• Physical touch
• Growing in love

Leadership in the Family

Moderated by the same leader of the previous session, this session concluded the course on "Biblical Principles for Leading with Love".  As the course concluded, the question of "How can these past lessons on leadership be applied in the context of a family?" was asked.

As in all other areas of life, there will be a leader in the context of a family.  Based on the biblical principles on headship, this leader in the family should be the husband and he is to be assisted by a loving, gentle and submissive wife with the wisdom that the Lord God gives.

The following verses summarise what God's perfect plan for the family is...

Ephesians 5 : 25 (NIV)
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.

Ephesians 5 : 22 - 24 (NIV)
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Saviour.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 6 : 1 - 3 (NIV)
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  "Honour your father and mother" - which is the first commandment with a promise - "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."

It was noted, however, that in most families nowadays, the leadership has been given over to the wife or the children.  It is said, "The husband makes the general decisions while the wife makes the major decisions." (note: in an army organisation, the general is of a higher rank than the major).  Is this a good thing?

A look at the two well-known examples will give some answers to this question

• Adam and Eve - Adam did not stand up to his wife's foolishness in taking the fruit that God had commanded them not to take (Genesis 3 : 6).  The result?  Mankind was separated from God.
• Abraham and Sarah - instead of leading his family in waiting patiently for God's promise of a son, for him and Sarah, to be fulfilled, Abraham heeded Sarah's voice (Gen 16 : 2).  The result?  Enmity between the house of Ishmael and the house of Isaac, even until today.

So, how should a husband lead?  How can the wife submit, especially when the husband does not seem to be leading?  More questions need to be asked before the answers can be found.

One such question is "Who is the central figure of one's life?".  For the Swallow and her coursemates, it would be the Lord Jesus Christ.  Their decision to lead or to submit, depending on whether they are the husband or the wife, would be based on the Word of God, and by following the perfect example of the Lord Jesus Christ, who lead His followers with love, but also submitted Himself to His Father's authority as He had said in Luke 22 : 42 (NKJV), "Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done."

"The degree of our spiritual ability in Christ-likeness is measured by God as to how we respond to the leading of God in every aspect in life in comparison to how Christ, being perfect, would respond, if He was to act in our place."

1 John 2 : 6 (NIV)
Whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did.

The next question to ask is "How does one view God?".  If one views God as a God of fear, then he will likely instill fear in his followers, thus becoming an authoritative leader.  If one views God as a God of love, more often than not he will show love towards his followers at the expense of discipline, thus becoming a permissive leader.

However, based on the Word of God, the Lord God is both a God of fear and a God of love.  His authority is a perfect blend of fear (law, discipline) and love.  So the one who chooses to follow the Lord God must find a balance between the two, neither an authoritative nor a permissive leader.

"The degree that we respond to God to learn and implement His way and truth depends upon our answer."

Coming back to the family, so how should the husband lead? How can the wife submit, especially when the husband does not seem to be leading?  Looking at 1Peter 3 : 7 (NKJV), "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honour to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.", the following traits of Godly leadership in the family can be seen

• submissive leadership ("likewise") - this is the sacrificial kind of love which is also mentioned in Ephesians 5 : 25.  It is also called servant leadership.
• committed companionship ("dwell with them") - it is a committed relationship ie no divorce, and a companionship until "death do us part".  Also, this husband and wife relationship must be above any other relationship save their individual relationship with God.  Nothing should come between them.  Not children.  Not career.  Not hobbies.
• intelligent leadership ("with understanding") - to have knowledge of one's wife (needs, desires, strengths, weaknesses) and knowledge based on God's word (wives as the weaker vessel).
• honouring love ("giving honour to the wife") - this goes hand in hand with a submissive / servant leadership.
• unbroken fellowship ("that your prayers may not be hindered") - when one is obeying God as a leader, his spiritual leadership and his relationship with God will not be affected.

The Swallow is reminded that her mate's role as a leader in the family is not easy.  Neither is it enviable.  He has to bear the consequences of the decisions made within the family, whether wise or foolish decisions.  It is certainly not a role that the Swallow is anxious to take over.

However, being a submissive wife is not a role that the Swallow finds easy to take either.  Many a times, when her mate made certain decisions which the Swallow was not comfortable with, her natural reaction was to override her mate's decision there and then.  Only with the Lord God's help could she bite her tongue, go to Him in prayer, seek His wisdom, then discuss the decision with her mate in a calm and non-confrontational manner.

No, it is not an easy task, whether as a submissive-wife-helper or as a loving-husband-leader.  It is only by a daily dependence on the Lord God - on His grace, mercies, strength, wisdom, and whatever else that is needful and which He alone can provide - that the Swallow and her mate can press on to fulfill their roles and responsibilities in the family.

A Cry for Help

Not one to spend a lot of time reading the newspapers, the headlines "Cheers and tears as dramatic rescue unfolds" in yesterday's local newspapers grabbed the Swallow's attention, and she read the news about the efforts that were made to rescue thirty-three miners who were trapped deep underground in Chile.

In relatively-safe-from-natural-disasters Singapore, the Swallow may not have to bear what the miners' wives and families are bearing, yet the Swallow can imagine the horror of having a loved one trapped when natural disasters befall a country - in the raging waters when a tsunami hits, in the cold mountains when there is an avalanche, or in this case, in the deep and dark underground for more than a month.  Tears ran down the Swallow's face when she read all these stories.  There was a connection.  What if one of these men was her mate, or her young one?

Of course the Swallow hopes not to experience the torture of not knowing whether her mate or her young one will be brought out alive from the depths of the ocean, or from the bowels of the earth.  Yet life is full of the unexpected because sin abounds - the careless driver on the road, the faulty mechanism of the aeroplane or other vehicles, or an object thrown down from a high-rise building.  Pain, sorrow, tears and death cannot be avoided.

However, at times like these, the Swallow can continue to cling on to her Lord God and the promises in His word...

Revelations 21 : 1 (NIV)
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.

Revelations 21 : 3 - 4 (NIV)
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them.  They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

PART THE WATERS (author unknown)

When I think I'm going under, "Part the waters, Lord."
When I feel the waves around me, "Calm the sea."
When I cry for help, "O hear me Lord, and hold out Your hand,
Touch my life, still the raging storm in me."

Knowing You love me
Helps me face another day
Hearing Your footsteps
Drives the clouds of fears away
And in the night of my life
You bring the promise of day
Here is my hand, show me the way...

When I think I'm going under, "Part the waters, Lord."
When I feel the waves around me, "Calm the sea."
When I cry for help, "O hear me Lord, and hold out Your hand,
Touch my life, still the raging storm in me."

Knowing You love me
Through the burdens I must bear
Hearing Your footsteps
Lets me know I'm in Your care
And in the tears of my life
I see the sorrow You bore
Here is my pain, heal it once more...

When I think I'm going under, "Part the waters, Lord."
When I feel the waves around me, "Calm the sea."
When I cry for help, "O hear me Lord, and hold out Your hand,
Touch my life, still the raging storm in me.
Touch my life, still the raging storm in me."

Yes, with her life in the hands of her sovereign Lord, her tears will be but for a moment.